The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U... (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 

 

These are purported to be extracts from letters written to local councils in Britain:


1. ....but it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. ....now my lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and she is now pregnant.

9. .....I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke coming out of my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and I do not feel right to drink it.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat so would you please do something about the noise made
by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job properly and satisfy my wife.

20. ....I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front part and the back passage has fungus growing on it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't stand for it any more

 

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Susan

PONDERISMS 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 3. OK..... So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? 5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters. 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed and prostitutes delayed? ! 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 14. ! What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam. 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? ! 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive! 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

Interesting History Where did Piss Poor come from?    They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor" But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot.....they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!" Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer. And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

Adolf Hitler, we all know him, we all know what he did but did you know that he was a skilled artist! Click Here to see the photos

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It's hard to imagine that Yosemite is only 60 miles from Fresno --  where it never ever snows & rarely gets below 32 F in the dead of winter.  This is an incredible video!   The phenomenon only happens in March & April. View video

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist' S diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
May nothing but happiness come through your door.

 

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THESE ARE INSTRUCTIONS HANDED OUT TO ALL OFFICERS AT C.I.D COURSES AND ANTI-TERRORISTS COURSES IN THE BEDFORDSHIRE FORCE/SERVICE:

UK’s Bedfordshire Police’s rules regarding terrorists and dangerous criminals.

 If they’re non-Muslim

• Consider the most opportune time of day to be able to arrest suspects with minimum resistance.
• Apply all necessary force to enter the premises and arrest suspects accordingly.

 If they’re Muslim

• Community leaders must be consulted before raids into Muslim houses.
• Officers must not search occupied bedrooms and bathrooms before dawn.
• Use of police dogs will be considered serious desecration of the premises.
• Cameras and camcorders should not be used in case of capturing women in inappropriate dress.
• If people are praying at home officers should stand aside and not disrupt the prayer. They should be allowed the opportunity to finish.
• Officers should take their shoes off before raiding a Muslim house.
• The reasons for pre-dawn raids on Muslim houses needs to be clear and transparent.
• Officers must not touch holy books or religious artefacts without permission.
• Muslim prisoners should be allowed to take additional clothing to the station.

 I think we get the message of what's going on.. There's something wrong with the UK now.

7 year old Kid steals car because he did not want to go church.

Watch

Parcour's Urban Ninja - Amazing skills!

Bootiful Soccer!

Beer Pong Tricks!

COFFEE IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREAST

24" WAIST and

34" HIPS


When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

NEW GALLERYS - CLICK ON THE PHOTOS

SAFE TO FLY MANS BEST FRIEND   A SELECTION OF AMAZING HEAVY SNOW PICTURES   A SELECTION OF AMAZING PHOTOS OF ANIMALS STUCK IN AMAZING SITUATIONS.

OOPS PICTURES - CONTAINS IDIOTS, DANGEROUS BOTCH JOBS AND OTHERS

CLICK HERE TO VIEW

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ....

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS

WOMENS NAMES AND MEANINGS - CLICK HERE

MENS NAMES AND MEANINGS - CLICK HERE

A 30 year old man was recently prosecuted in Aberdeen for Benefit fraud and jailed for 13 months. He had been claiming benefit for 36 children! A Labour MP expressed concern that such an extraordinary claim had been allowed to happen. He said alarm bells should have been ringing.

The permit to hold the motorcycle “Bulldog Bash,” an annual “Hells Angels” festival that has been held at Long Marston in Warwickshire for some 21 years, was under revue after objections were lodged by the police force. The police authorities objected because of the cost of policing the event and risks after a man was shot dead last year. Members of the public were asked for their opinions by a reporting TV crew, and one woman said, “They’ll ban anything these days for any slightest misdemeanour.” I know crime is often trivialised these days, but murder can hardly be called a misdemeanour.

A 44 year olds dream holiday to Peru ended with the possibility of her receiving a criminal conviction for passing fake Dollar bills. The woman had bought £400 in dollar bills through Barclays Bank for her 11day holiday as she was advised it was the best means of paying for things over there. The holiday went well for a few days until an attendant at an exchange office called the police when she tried to change some notes. The police had it confirmed that the notes were fake, arrested the woman and would not let her leave the country until the Embassy intervened and negotiated bail for her. Barclays refused to accept full responsibility and only offered £1500 as a goodwill gesture.

A mother complained to a university that her son spent most of his time sleeping, drinking and smoking, because he did not have enough scheduled tuition. The University professor who was head of the economics department replied to the mother saying that her son had regular meetings and other scheduled sessions and gave details. Her 18 year old son complained when he found out and the professor was threatened with the sack for breaching the privacy of the student.

A 20 year old boot boy at Birmingham City football club was handed the keys to a 330,000 Mercedes in thanks for his services to one of the professional footballers. Boot boys are regularly given the boots belonging to the stars at the end of the season and when he was refused a pair, the lad was disappointed, until he was handed the keys and log book to the Merc. The team manager said that the gesture was typical of the star concerned, but later asked the footballer what he had done with the house he had left back in Turin. The footballer had smiled and said he wanted to keep that.

A 95 year old man who is nearly blind got into trouble with his council for putting a ketchup bottle and coffee jar in the wrong coloured wheelie bin. The council placed a yellow warning notice on the bin, that the man could not read because of his eyesight and refused to empty the bin until a local paper became involved.

It seems that the mobile phone is not a new invention at all, but was first demonstrated in 1902 on New Years Day. The inventor, Nathan Stubblefield, a self taught electrician, who was actually a melon farmer in Kentucky, erected a 120 foot high mast in his orchard and broadcast speech to 5 receivers. In 1908 he patented another design that was designed to operate in moving vehicles such as stagecoaches and boats, but unfortunately the inventions were not successful commercially and he died penniless in 1928.

Pensioners at a Catholic retirement home in Melbourne, Australia are learning swordplay in regular weekly classes at the home for former nuns and priests. 16 of the pensioners over 80 years old are learning to duel with the help of walking frames and a 73 year old instructor. A 93 year old retired nun said, “It’s a challenge. I’m always worried I might fall over.”

A 38 year old mother of a 2 year old little girl heard her daughter calling for her while she was in the house. She started looking for the girl thinking that she was hiding from her and started to look under the beds and in cupboards for her. Then she panicked when she saw that the door, leading to an indoor pool that was 4 feet deep, was unlocked. She rushed to the poolside to see her daughter holding onto the side looking quite content. It seems that the toddler had instinctively paddled to the side after falling in. Most infants drown when falling into water because they panic, but the water baby swimming classes that she had been having since she was 8 weeks old, had meant that the little girl was relaxed and just did the right thing.

People who call in sick to have a day off to watch the big football match will have to improve their skills, because some companies may soon be connecting up lie detector machines to the telephone answering system at their offices. One trial of the system in London saved £400,000 for the borough in fraudulent benefits. Up to one in 8 days that workers are off sick may be fraudulent and it is hoped that the new generation of voice analysis systems may reduce this.

After 130 years a cattle market may be forced to close after residents complained of the cattle mooing and obtained a noise abatement order restricting the hours that cattle may be delivered or collected. Farmers are used to early hours, but not the modern residents near to the market who say that the 5 am starts are too early. An appeal is being considered.

50 years after two babies died their bodies were discovered in toy boxes on top of a wardrobe in a house in Greater Manchester. A newspaper was found in one of the boxes dated November 26 1956. The woman believed to be the dead infants mother died in 2006.

A chemical, called Oxytocin, has long been used in medicine by doctors treating new mothers, but now research suggests that the naturally occurring hormone might also be used to treat people with personality disorders. The “Cuddle Hormone” which induces feelings of goodwill and increases sociability may well be a wonder drug for autistic children who often have difficulty relating to others.

The jet pack strapped onto a persons back to make them fly as seen in many films has never been totally successful as a practical invention, but now a former pilot has developed strap on wings with built in jet engines. In a demonstration the pilot jumped out of plane at 7,500 feet, unfolded his 10 foot wings, fired up the jets and soared off at 190 miles per hour. The 48 year old and his sponsors have spent more than £120,000 pounds developing the jet wings and intend to perform many trials and demonstrations including flying over the English Channel and Grand Canyon.

We don’t realise how different life can be in the Middle East until reports about things like the following reach our papers;- In Saudi Arabia the religious police caught a university professor having a cup of coffee in a coffee shop with a woman who was not a relative. The man will receive 150 lashes and 8 months in jail for his crime.

In Germany 3 babies were found in a family freezer when the mother’s other children were looking for a pizza while their parents were away for the weekend. The mother is 46 years old and has 3 grown up children. It is thought that the frozen bodies of the babies had been there since the 1980’s when they were probably born.

Roast Beef has been a traditional meal for the British for generations, but British Airways has just taken beef off the menu for economy passengers on its flights because beef and pork might upset certain religious groups such as Hindus. B.A. will now only offer fish pie or chicken.

Prison officers have now been ordered to permit prisoners to collect twigs so that they can use them to decorate their cells and use them as wands in Pagan Rituals. A spokesman said that it sounded like an April Fools joke and he thought that prisoners were taking advantage of the system. A Minister said that Paganism was a religion like any other.

Councils spend millions of pounds every year trying to remove chewing gum from pavements, but that is soon to be no more if a revolutionary new formula for the gum becomes successful. Traditional gum is very sticky, sets hard and does not dissolve readily but the new polymer is much more easily removed. After years of research a scientific team came up with the new substance that can also be used in anti-graffiti paint.

Not all things that smell bad, are bad for you it seems, because scientists have discovered that Hydrogen Sulphide, the traditional stink bomb smell of rotten eggs, can reduce high blood pressure in a patient by widening their arteries.

A 38 year old performance artist who’s previous stunts included rolling a monkey nut 7 miles with his nose, walking backwards for 11 miles with a 27lb turkey on his head and eating a corgi called off his latest performance when he feared he would have his eyes pecked out by seagulls. The man had been buried up to his neck in sand on a beach for 30 hours before abandoning his quest because the seagulls were coming very close to him and he “Lost It.”

British Paratroopers are having to practise “jumping” in a wind tunnel hired from a commercial company that normally uses it to sell 5 minute “Flights” to the public fairground style. So many planes have been destroyed in recent conflicts and the remaining aircraft are all needed for service that the R.A.F. has no surplus planes for training purposes.

Kent police force has told it’s officers not to go out to break up late night parties in case they hurt themselves in the dark. Residents in the area have also been told that if police are not advised in advance that a party or “Rave” is going to take place they will not have the manpower to deal with it and so will not respond.

A proud ex-serviceman soldier father organised a special themed party for his daughters 8th birthday. The theme was pirates so quite understandably he hung a 5ft by 3ft Jolly Roger Skull And Crossbones flag outside his house. The council immediately threatened him with prosecution and ordered him to remove it unless he pays a £95 administration fee to apply for official consent to fly it. As a matter of principal and to highlight the stupidity of bureaucracy, he left it up. A council official said that non official flags, ie not those of countries, counties or religions, have to have legal permission to be flown.

A young thug who assaulted a policeman after drinking 10 pints only received a suspended sentence and a curfew in punishment. That might have seemed lenient enough for his crime, but now another judge in Gloucester Crown Court has lifted his curfew so that he can go away and enjoy a golfing holiday in Portugal with his mates.

It seems that the most expensive dog to own and keep is the Chihuahua. It is estimated that owners of more ordinary doge only spend in the region of £2,000 on average a year to keep their dogs, whereas owners of Chihuahuas are estimated to spend an average of somewhere over £6,000 per year. This would come to an estimated £90,000 over the dogs average 13 year lifetime. It could have something to do with the fact that breed is favoured by the rich and famous and as such the pampered pets are often bought expensive jewelled collars and designer coats.

A carer who was the manager of a sheltered housing scheme received the sack because she breached protocol in working after hours when she was asked to help a terminally ill man who died two days later. According to the employers insurance policy she was not insured after hours. The sacked worker said, “If someone knocks on my door and asks for help I am not going to turn them away,” but it seems that is just what she was expected to do. Residents under her care organised a petition to get her re-instated because they said she was the best manager they had ever had, but a spokesman for the housing group would not comment as the case was going to arbitration.

A 54 year old man with a heart condition spent the night in police cells after being arrested for dropping an apple core. The man had popped out to get some drugs for his disabled wife when a young PCSO spotted him and accused him of littering. The 54 year old refused to accept the on the spot fine of £50 as he had not done anything wrong, so back up was called and 5 police officers ended up arresting him. The man could face a £2,500 fine or up to 6 months in prison if found guilty.

One of the world’s most dangerous terrorists was granted bail, but will be put under a 24 hour curfew that is expected to cost £500,000 a year to operate. The man arrived in Britain more than 14 years ago on a false passport and claimed asylum which was granted. Human rights laws have prevented him from being deported to Jordan where he is wanted for terrorist atrocities because his life might be at risk.

The Chinese have sent seeds of various vegetable plants up into space in rockets and then germinated the seeds on their return after 2 weeks. The space treated seeds produce plants that grow far bigger than normal with 2lb tomatoes, 14lb aubergines, 2 foot cucumbers, 15stone pumpkins, nine inch chillies and high yield rice and wheat plants. The Chinese scientists claim that it is exposure to the low gravity of space or cosmic radiation that causes the exceptional growth when the seeds are returned and planted. Western scientists are sceptical of the results.

New Government guidelines now state that when a couple are married in a Registry Office they cannot take photos of the happy couple signing the register with the Registrar. It seems that pictures of the register breach data protection laws and could lead to fraud as well as breaching the privacy of others as their signatures might be visible. Some couples are being told to have their photos taken in front of a blank page or dummy book. Critics say this is absurd because the document is public property and the information in it is readily available on the internet.

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